Do we understand our stresses?

Recently, during a family gathering, my nephew was studying exam questions while eating because he was about to take an exam. Initially, I thought this was nothing extraordinary in a Hong Kong household. However, my sister-in-law mentioned in our conversation that there was a student in my nephew's school who was one grade higher and had tragically ended their own life at school a few days ago. They had only lived for a short period of just over ten years. My sister-in-law's intention was to remind herself to be cautious and not to put too much pressure on my nephew.

However, when we finished lunch and wanted to go sightseeing together, my sister-in-law still wanted her son to go home early to review his homework. Of course, this is nothing out of the ordinary. Which parent wants to see their child's learning (or exam results) affected by external forces and worsen? In Chinese society, if children experience such things, their grades even have to be better than before in order to dispel the doubts in their parents' hearts.

However, what caught my attention was how our education system views these events.

It may be because my nephew knows that he has emotions about this incident, but he doesn't know how he feels or what to do. He just knows that he wants to have one or two more hours of time, temporarily away from books, so he went to grandma's house with us.

Me: When did this happen?

Nephew: Just a few days ago, on Thursday.

Me: So you didn't have a day off on Friday? At least for that classmate?

Nephew: No, we didn't. But the teachers weren't in the mood to teach, and I wasn't in the mood to listen either.

Me: Does the school have a counselor?

Nephew: Kind of, but not on an individual basis.

Me: Did you go to school as usual on Monday?

Nephew: Yes.

Actually, when it comes to this, my heart suddenly shuddered. Is a young life just a lesson in dealing with stress? Is the place where we learn how to be human an institution that is cold-blooded and acts as if nothing happened even when lives are lost? Is human life so insignificant in the face of exams? Is our education system teaching our children to suppress their emotions and feelings?

Perhaps the accusations are too severe, but what we cannot deny is that a child is using their life to express something. We can no longer treat them as just a number, saying "Today, a student committed suicide," or dismiss this matter like an outdated textbook article saying "Stress is self-inflicted," and not confront it.

Is stress an unsolvable problem? Or is it an unfair issue that has not been resolved? Or is it a proposition that the heart resists intensely but cannot fight back against?

Perhaps many of us have never really asked ourselves where our own stress comes from, and how can we expect our children to open up and be brave?

Self-harm is often just a symptom, a result. I once heard that if someone genuinely has thoughts of harming themselves, rather than using it as emotional manipulation or a means to an end, it is a sign of illness. Our society generally believes that boys should shoulder more, endure more hardships, and bear all suffering. Speaking up is seen as whiny, and expressing emotions is awkward. But it is precisely these thoughts that make some of the most caring children sick. Some of them put on a lively and sunny facade to conform to the image imposed by society, but when they are alone, they don't even know their own emotions, let alone how to express them. And because their families and society lack deep understanding and fail to pay attention, these patients may indirectly pay a heavy price for not receiving the treatment they deserve.

This incident can be a great opportunity to guide the new generation of children in learning how to express themselves and understand themselves in a positive way. It is important for them to learn how to deal with their emotions.

Often when we see negative news, we tend to make heartless and even cruel remarks. For example, when we see someone being deceived, we might not say it out loud, but deep down we might think, "It's because those people were greedy that they got deceived." Or when we hear about someone taking their own life, we might say, "They just couldn't handle life." These thoughts are part of human nature. Maybe not everyone would say them out loud, but many people might have these thoughts. It's a self-comfort mechanism to separate ourselves from unfortunate events: "As long as I'm not greedy, I won't be deceived" or "My child can handle situations like this, it won't happen to my child."

But in fact, are the people involved in these incidents greedy or are they having problems because they are emotionally weak compared to others?

What's even scarier is that my nephew told me that just last month, a similar incident also happened at a nearby school.

Then, I also shared with my nephew a recent, or should I say ongoing, true story:

My best friend, referred to as Ms. H here, is an excellent veterinarian and one of the people I admire the most. She was born with dyslexia and mild ADHD, and math has always been a difficult subject for her. However, she has always wanted to become a veterinarian since she was young. When the college entrance exam approached, she would drink three litres of coffee a day to force herself to study physics, knowing exactly what she wanted and being able to fight for it on her own.

In the end, she became a veterinarian and practiced in the United States. Although she went through many hardships, she finally met and married someone she loved deeply. The man was a former US military personnel who had also experienced life and death situations. However, his nightmare began after he started working at a large company and became a victim of bullying. Initially, he may have been unable to express his sorrow, coupled with the trauma left behind from being in the military. Nevertheless, he always told himself that he was fine and constantly replayed those painful scenes in his mind.

Gradually, he resorted to various methods to numb himself, including excessive drinking and using soft drugs. It is unclear whether it was due to a family history of illness or the prolonged exposure to substances that stimulate the nervous system, but recently, he became seriously ill. He developed schizophrenia, often experiencing hallucinations and hearing voices, and became unable to take care of himself.

Fate can be really ironic.

After seven years of marriage, they had been wanting to have a baby. Miss H had suffered several miscarriages. But unfortunately, at this very moment, she became pregnant. However, his mind started to play tricks on him, causing him to become suspicious. He either suspected Miss H of having an affair and being pregnant with someone else's child, or believed that she was fabricating the pregnancy story to deceive him. Due to hallucinations and delusions, he would often exhibit strange behavior at home. There was even one instance where he dangerously approached the safe to retrieve a gun.

All of this made Miss H contemplate aborting the baby, and this decision, in the eyes of any woman, is extremely brave and responsible. The process of abortion is quite painful, with unstable emotions, extreme physical pain and hormonal effects, coupled with the emotional pain she feels herself. She went through this process in great agony. Naturally, her emotions were extremely volatile, and shortly after the incident, she began to urgently think about arranging for her next job.

Undeniably, arranging for a livelihood is understandable, but after such a big event, it is impossible for anyone to adjust immediately. In the face of grief, we will be weak, we will want to give up, we will question what all this pain is for, and whether there is an end to the pain. We will also blame ourselves, blame others, and have a series of negative emotions. However, these emotions are all part of what we need to experience, because emotions are our hearts telling us something, and without emotions that need to be dealt with, all the suffering we experience will be meaningless.

She also told me that witnessing her husband's illness was like watching him slowly die, as if his body was still functioning but the soul she loved was gradually fading away; sometimes the familiar him would suddenly return, his face full of fear, like a frightened child who didn't know where he was; sometimes he wouldn't recognize her very well, his mind filled with jumbled memories, even using fictional memories as weapons to attack her.

But this is not his fault, he is just sick. A social worker who has studied schizophrenia frequently said that if these patients do not seek treatment or refuse to accept it, each episode of illness tears their souls apart; if torn too many times, the original them will truly never return.

Emotions are like a lion

I am also someone who is afraid to confront my own emotions. There was a time when I found emotions to be terrifying. I couldn't understand why I would feel sad seemingly out of nowhere, or why I would become furious over insignificant comments from people, or why I would feel confused by things happening around me, only to be left restless because I couldn't find answers.

Emotions seem to be an uncontrollable variable. I never know when they will come and affect my life. So, I used to escape and suppress them. But every time I tried to avoid and suppress them, the emotions would only come back with even greater intensity, until I learned how to coexist with them.

Emotions are like a lion. They can be gentle like a big cat, but they can also be a devouring beast that consumes a person. Yet, their appearance always has a reason.

However, the method of dealing with emotions in a positive way is not about being a great animal trainer. The secret is not in "control". On the contrary, when I let go of control and don't define myself by my emotions, but simply observe, it turns out that emotions are my best friends.

We are all passengers sitting in the backseat of "life's" car. When going uphill or downhill, of course, we will have fluctuations in our mood. But if we forcefully grab the driver's steering wheel at this time, it is very likely that the car will overturn. All we can do is enjoy the scenery along the way and try to understand what our experiences teach us.

Returning to the incident that my nephew encountered, teenagers are at an age of hormonal development and also at an age where they establish their values and explore their relationship with the world. When they encounter such incidents, they will inevitably have many questions. Regardless of what these questions are, or what emotions this incident may stir up in them, we should go through it with them. After all, we don't want the younger generation to feel that "school/society is a cold place, and if someone can't handle it, it's their weakness. We should avoid discussing their weaknesses, and everyone needs to continue living as if nothing happened."

If that were the case, how sad our world would be.